![that's what [debbie] said.](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFTEgfhLTsgiIewhrASjQaIRG_SHeiP6rUS7TWIU8bLvp2zeSsE3wnEWu7-Y_4hibI7tvNobR6yrmomB2sSr00I6yyxFxfIy1bnMBMGEQetDijBlwz0ry7olPS8bUpER5TUlsrrwPnKt2C/s660/imaging.ashx.png)
The truth is that I haven't been eating much lately. Partly due to the fact that nowadays, food absolutely repulses me for some reason {as twisted as my relationship with food has been over the past few years, I've never ever been disgusted by it...I've actually craved it and longed for it more than anything, so I really don't know what's going on}. And partly due to the fact that - I've already come to the realization - I'm relapsing.
Three nights ago, Mike pretty much shoved a bagel with cream cheese down my mouth. Okay, he didn't do that, but after getting pissed off that I hadn't eaten all day, he toasted it for me and took out the cheese and a knife. Instead of spreading the cheese, though, I just broke the bagel into little pieces and began to chew slowly.
"Hey kiddo...cream cheese!" he said, "I know what you're trying to do."
He also knows that when I tell him I'm not hungry or my stomach hurts, I'm lying. I'm actually starving so bad I can't think straight.
He stood there, begging me to stop now before it's too late...he hates the weight loss {I love it}, hates what this is doing to me, it scares the crap out of him especially now that he won't be around because we're doing long distance, that he feels like this time, he's not getting through to me. Then he chokes up.
And like the huge bitch that I am, I nod my head and promise him I'll try harder, even though I know deep down that this doesn't change a thing.
He hid his mom's scale from me, yet I don't have the heart to tell him that I'm too terrified to even step on it, because I know that whatever it says, it's still going to be too fat.
What is going on with me?
This can only ruin my life.
Last night I went to bed hungry. I promised myself I'd have a decent breakfast this morning...but I only had around five spoonfuls of nonfat yogurt.
I'm at school now, and I'm all alone. I can relapse all I want now, because who's watching my back?
My whole life feels like such a freaking joke.
Debs.
Debs, I'm so sorry. I did not realize things were so bad. What can I do to help? You're right that ED won't do anything but ruin your life. Talk to me, tell me what I can do.
ReplyDeleteLove you and want to help.
-Lex
Your life is not a joke. It is precious. And even though it doesn't seem that way to you now, there are so many people who will do whatever they can to help you keep it. I absolutely know what it's like to be relapse and not be able to listen to what anyone is saying or.. begging you to do. I just really hope that you realize soon that none of this pain is worth it. You've already been through so much and you totally deserve all the happiness you had just a few months ago.
ReplyDeleteLet me help, I love you x
please please dont' let yourself relapse. you've seen the light- you know what recovery is like- you know how much better life is without it. seriously. life is amazing and you can only live it if you are recovered. you have people who love you, who care about you, they want you to be healthy so badly..you can do this. i know we dont know each other, but i'm always available to talk (shell625@gmail.com). im here for you, i know how this struggle is..
ReplyDeleteSweetie, please DON"T do this. I know it seems like you can do whatever you want now that you're away at school - I thought the same thing. Reality check: You will be sent home within 3 months if you are showing signs of AN. I dropped weight within 3 weeks of starting my first semester of college in '06. I was sent home THE SAME DAY that my roomies talked to our RA who then escorted me to the administration. I was deemed a liability to have on campus. Do not think you are special and that somehow, you'll be exempt from this. This has happened to two other bloggers (Sophia at burpandslurp, and Steph at moretolifethanlettuce)
ReplyDeleteI am trying to be as honest as I can without sounding to harsh - but you need to see that relapsing will not help. It will only bring you back to the same place that you were trying so hard to escape. Its taken me years to realize that. I don't know exactly what is going on in your life right now - I know we aren't that close. But I've been there. I know how fuckin' hard it is to keep yourself together at times. Hell, I still deal with it every day. Please, please don't hesitate to message me or talk to me on FB or whatever. It's cliche, but I understand. I played the same games, did the same things. Over and over and over again for many years.
Sigh. I hope that you can pull yourself out of this and see that anorexia will not bring you the happiness it makes you believe is there. And I hope that if you ever need to talk, you'll reach out to someone instead of continuing to take out your pains and frustrations on yourself.
xo
Tori
babygirl, you know i am always here for you. text me every second of the day you feel like your world is crashing down. you know what's right.. you just have to act on it. you are amazing debs. now just BE amazing.
ReplyDelete